The Final Letter I'll Never Send.

“Grow Up. You don’t deserve for me to be civil, you’re giving me every reason to resent you.”

Those words cut. Deep and deathly and heartless. I guess you found pleasure in your pain. Jumping into the unknown for someone fresh and free of worries. You don’t know how it is to feel such pain, I guess. How it feels to fight and put your heart on the line for the attention of someone you would lay your life down for. How it feels to be completely and inevitably replaced. How it feels to know you didn’t even fight at all. Maybe that is why you think I’m pathetic? Maybe that is why you don’t care at all? To be honest, you know what you did was wrong, I know that for sure. But what you don't know is how to swallow your pride. I embarrassed myself entirely for you, but you’ll forgive me one day. Deep down you know you’re taking the easy way out. You know…..Wait, no you don’t know.

I can’t focus on YOU anymore. I can’t focus on you because I don’t even know who you are. I know who you were. I can’t let myself sink any further than I’ve already gone. I lost myself in the process of losing you, and that is the greatest disappointment to me. I know you better than you even know yourself, but I can’t care as much as I want to save you from this illusion. Everybody says to let it go.

Everybody says that I deserve better, but I guarantee people are saying the same to you.

At one point we deserved each other, but it’s not in the cards for us at this point in our lives.

We honestly just drifted apart.  The red flag was there long before I wanted to believe it.

Who in the world wants to believe that the love of their life doesn’t love them back? 

My mind went into “fight or flight” method and I had a mindset to do everything I possibly could to make you want me again. In the process of that, I pushed you even farther away. But, it’s ok. It’s not great or wonderful or happy in this moment, but it’s ok, and that is better than saying things are horrible. I can look back at the wonderful memories and I can thank you for saving me in the times when I needed not only a lover but also a best friend. It still hurts my heart, and it probably always will, but I forgive you, and I love you. You know that. I just can’t let you hurt my anymore so I am done fighting. I am done being let down. I am going to live for me. I am going to take your advice and move on. I don’t want to compete with someone else for your love because I know there is someone who will never make me compete at all. I do wish you happiness. I do wish you success. But I wish myself more. I’ll love you forever and my arms will always be open as a friend, but this time it’s my turn to say, take care, goodbye my dear. 

It's Inevitable.

It's inevitable. Love. It's inevitable, horrible, beautiful, peace, and war. At some point, we find ourselves staring at the ceiling wondering how something so beautiful can so suddenly turn into a tragedy. Why is this? Why do we feed off of something that can be so toxic to our lives? It's simple really. In the moments we are happy, love is the creator not the destroyer. Happiness is the ultimate goal, so I've heard. The one true thing that disappointments me with love, however, is how it has control over itself. You can love someone more than life itself, but if the feeling is not reciprocated, it's more of a harm than anything. It just keeps us wondering and hoping, but its never definite. Love may be infinite, but it is not definite. Love is about change and risk, yet we find ourselves stuck in the same scenario again and again taking the easy way out. I can sit here and write all day about how love is free of jealousy and hate, but that's not true either. With love, there is going to be both jealousy and hate. We eventually get let down by something or someone we love and our emotions run so deep that we resort to jealousy and hate. I will not deny that I am a Hippocrate. I will not deny that I can be a jealous person. I am not afraid to face my fears as well as my faults. It's reality. The first step to being happy is admittance to yourself that you are not perfect and that, in fact, you are a sinner. But never forget that behind every smile, there is a story. These stories are of all sorts and I can guarantee that each and every one revolves around either happy love, funny love, heartbreak, fear of love, acceptance that a love has ended, anger with love, or a let down of love. It's crazy how we let these emotions run our lives in such a deceiving manner, but there is no end to it. All we can do is give it our best shot and use the past as a lesson for the future. Love is fear. Love is loss. Love is happiness. Love is laughter. Love is a lesson. Love is Love. Most importantly, love is forgiveness. 

Thank You, I Love You.

This is for all of the people who have succeeded in keeping me strong throughout my weakest moments in life. I thank God each day for bringing you into my life. We may not always be together, we may not always be able to have the best communication with each other, but I know that at the end of the day, I know if I need you, you will always be there. Each and everyone of you know who you are. I will always be here for you as well. I am not going anywhere. I am beyond blessed for your encouraging words of support, wisdom, laughter, and most importantly: LOVE. No matter what happens, love is what has brought us together as friends, love is what keeps our hearts beating each and every single day, and love is the light when we are in the deepest shadows of darkness. I appreciate you all more than you can even imagine. Everything happens for a reason and I believe God has granted me your prescence because he knew we would need each other one day. I needed you before, I need you now, I'll need you tomorrow, and I'll need you even when you're gone. You will be in my heart because it's my heart that has felt everything positive, beautiful, and inspiring that you have ever given me. So, thank you. I love you. I hope to see you soon. Remember, the lost get found, it just takes some searching. 

PS. remember to stay strong yourself. don't give up. don't settle. believe in yourself. let go. let God. 

Here are song lyrics that keep me strong..

"Don't let your lights go down, don't let your fire burn out, somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe. Why don't you rise up now, don't be afraid to stand up now, that's how the lost get found."

"The devil wants a fellow with a weakness he can wrap his arms around. The champion wants a challenger who just may have the strength to take him down. The river wants a notion to run towards and pour its heart into."

I love you all.
XOXO, Abbey 

Lessons of Relationships.

The more I think about it, people and relationships are fascinating. The way we meet, the way we fall in love for a friendship and for romance, but also how we fall apart and start new chapters in our lives. Maybe there is a reason why the people we love hurt us sometimes and how we hurt the people that we love. I don't believe it is ever intentional. I do believe that there is a reason that we are being put through the struggle. It's all a learning lesson. We are hurt so we can gain strength, and we hurt others unintentionally because there is a need for us to realize that we are wrong. We have to learn to admit that we are wrong and that 99% of the time, we really mess things up and are too proud to think for a second that we are wrong. I dont know a single person that enjoys admitting that they made a mistake. That's why it's called life. We are constantly reminded of how we can be a better person, and a lot of the time, it causes us to lose something to gain a lesson learned. In the process of these lessons, you can always rekindle lost relationships, but this time around you'll have a better knowledge of how to compose yourself because you are stronger than you have ever been. You will be smarter in your actions and wiser in your words. You'll know how to treat people the right way. You'll know how to love without any excuses. You'll be able to breathe and laugh and learn and live. But guess what? Once you think you have it all figured out again, another block in the road will come up and you'll have to start the process all over again. Yeah, it does suck and it will be stressful and you will get hurt. Life will always bring struggle, no one ever said it would be easy. We will hurt others and others will hurt us. We will judge, manipulate, hate, resent, and give up on any hope we ever had. Although we will be beaten by the bad, we will also learn to be happy in our own content way, laugh until we cry, love with no limits, appreciate what we do have, and gain strength every single day. So no, life is not easy, but it's a worth while fight to become an amazing person. Don't try to be perfect, don't beg for forgiveness, don't cry over people who forgot about you, and do not give up on yourself because one day we will be the best version of ourselves and the people who hurt us will look back and realize what a mistake they made. Stay strong everyone.

Letting Go.

Letting go from someone you love could possibly be the most hopeless feeling. It's that constant knot in your stomach that will not go away. It's that feeling of desperation and anxiety. And then the question pops into your head, "why wasn't I good enough? I love him/her more than anything". Well everyone, no matter how much you love someone, you can't force them to love you back. I know that all you want to do is pretend like nothing happened and that that the person will come around, but really? They just broke your heart and the feeling was NOT mutual. I honestly don't think you even start to know who you are until you lose who you are, who you've been, and who made you the person you wanted to be. Do not be disappointed in yourself as long as you did everything possible to make a relationship work. Remember that the memories will always be in the back of your mind and you will most likely always love that person that hurt you deeply, but you loved the person they were; when they loved you with their entire heart, when they treated you with respect, and when they would've NEVER given up. If someone gives up on you, they are obviously not willing to change anything in his/her life to make the relationship work, and right then and there, a red flag should go up. Everyone deserves someone who will make sacfrices for them, and who will make the relationship mutual instead of one-sided. I said it before and I'll say it again; love doesn't change, circumstances do. If the person you love leaves you and never comes back, it was never meant to be, but if the person you love leaves you and comes back, you'll have them forever. Those were some wise words that I was given and ill hold onto then forever. We will always have hope and faith that everything will go back to the way it was before. We just need to remember that God does have a plan for us, and we still need to remember how to forgive and love even when we're so deeply hurting. Like my resident told me last night out of the blue "you'll be alright in the end". Its funny how God speaks through others. Stay strong, hold on to the good, and never look back at the bad. People change and there is nothing we can do to control it because in the end, they will look back at when they hurt you and they will regret it, but then it will be too late. 

No Regrets.

In the midst of life, we forget to be thankful for those who love us and for those we love in return. In an instant, everything we have could be gone, without getting to say our last goodbye, embrace for one last hug, or have the last kiss of our lifetime. These should be the most important aspects of our lives. At the end of the day, all that should matter is that you were thankful for every single lasting moment of life with the people who matter most to you. So forget about the bad times, the moments when you feel like you’re not going to make it, the standing moment when your heart is completely broken, when you feel like everyone has given up on you. Forget everything that made you hurt, and remember all of the good in your life. Look back every day at the times that made you smile. No day is guaranteed for any of us in this world. Try to avoid things you know you’ll regret even if they seem perfect and right at the moment. Stop holding grudges and don’t try to control things that you can’t change. You won’t be happy. There are times when we will test our faith, and there are times when faith is all we have to hold on to. You are the only person who can create a lifetime of happiness for yourself. If you try to live you life for other people, you’ll never be happy or successful. Live for you! No matter how much you love someone, you can’t force him or her to love you in return. God has a plan for you either way. There are no rules on how to love, but try setting reasonable expectations instead of expecting more than one can give. Just never settle for being taken for granted. Speak up in moments like that. There is a time for silence, and there is a time to speak up and say how we’re feeling. It is ok to cry. It is ok to be sad. Sometimes this is the only way we heal. I think we all need to just slow down in our busy lives and think about how we can change to better ourselves, how we can better each other, and how we can become stronger than we were yesterday. I will say one thing, however, never give up on what and whom you believe in. If it’s true that we only are given one life to live, there is no such thing as loving too much, laughing too much, or forgiving too easily. Stay Strong Everyone. 

XOXO,

Abbey 

Simply Love

So here's the thing; whether we want to believe it or not, every single one of our lives revolve around love; the love of family, the love of friends, the love of life, the love of love itself, but most importantly the love for the thought of falling into love with another. We surround ourselves daily with music, pictures, books, and movies that create the vivid depth that love brings to life. So the question is, why don't we believe in fairy tales, but we do believe in heartbreak and unhappy endings? This, to me, is a problem. Love is blurred by hate and regret, that keeps us from believing it's faithful and real. Remember, love doesn't change, circumstances do.

As little girls and boys, we were encouraged to dress up like Cinderella and Prince Charming, right? To make a fake airplane out of chairs and to use a fan as wind as it blew through our fine hair. Those were the days. I don't see a reason not to act like that as you grow up either. Why does everything have to be so serious? I continuously ask myself these things on a daily basis. Children grow up living for magic and dreams, but slowly learn that all of these wonderful things they believed in were all a lie. Lies are what make everything unbelievable. The whole world relies on "rules" that aren't even official. Nowhere does it state that wishes wont come true, or that our true love won't come walking right up to the doorstep, or that love at first sight doesn't exist. It's all a matter of having faith in what you believe in. These are things that seem so unreal to the world that nobody has the fight to find out if they exist. So here lies my point......If there is even a spark of magic that still makes you believe that true love is out there, then believe it. Don't be afraid to open your mind. Don't confine yourself to settling for ordinary. Believe in love. It may not always be the romantic, shooting star kind of love, but you may be surprised to find love through people, places, and things nonexistant in the present. Patience and love walk hand in hand. The more patience you have in waiting for a everlasting love, the greater lessons and virtues you will gain. We find ourselves living through past experiences we have witnessed, and that is what holds us back. We remember the heartbreak and broken friendships more than the amazing times we've had, which keeps us from being happy again. Just remember, love is a simple kind of complicated. Love is as complicated as you make it. When I say simple, I mean it; it is the past, present, and future that makes it complicated. So here goes nothing.....now you know what my blogs will be composed of: SIMPLY LOVE stories expressed on many levels. I hope you enjoy. <3 

XOXO Abbey