The Final Letter I'll Never Send.

“Grow Up. You don’t deserve for me to be civil, you’re giving me every reason to resent you.”

Those words cut. Deep and deathly and heartless. I guess you found pleasure in your pain. Jumping into the unknown for someone fresh and free of worries. You don’t know how it is to feel such pain, I guess. How it feels to fight and put your heart on the line for the attention of someone you would lay your life down for. How it feels to be completely and inevitably replaced. How it feels to know you didn’t even fight at all. Maybe that is why you think I’m pathetic? Maybe that is why you don’t care at all? To be honest, you know what you did was wrong, I know that for sure. But what you don't know is how to swallow your pride. I embarrassed myself entirely for you, but you’ll forgive me one day. Deep down you know you’re taking the easy way out. You know…..Wait, no you don’t know.

I can’t focus on YOU anymore. I can’t focus on you because I don’t even know who you are. I know who you were. I can’t let myself sink any further than I’ve already gone. I lost myself in the process of losing you, and that is the greatest disappointment to me. I know you better than you even know yourself, but I can’t care as much as I want to save you from this illusion. Everybody says to let it go.

Everybody says that I deserve better, but I guarantee people are saying the same to you.

At one point we deserved each other, but it’s not in the cards for us at this point in our lives.

We honestly just drifted apart.  The red flag was there long before I wanted to believe it.

Who in the world wants to believe that the love of their life doesn’t love them back? 

My mind went into “fight or flight” method and I had a mindset to do everything I possibly could to make you want me again. In the process of that, I pushed you even farther away. But, it’s ok. It’s not great or wonderful or happy in this moment, but it’s ok, and that is better than saying things are horrible. I can look back at the wonderful memories and I can thank you for saving me in the times when I needed not only a lover but also a best friend. It still hurts my heart, and it probably always will, but I forgive you, and I love you. You know that. I just can’t let you hurt my anymore so I am done fighting. I am done being let down. I am going to live for me. I am going to take your advice and move on. I don’t want to compete with someone else for your love because I know there is someone who will never make me compete at all. I do wish you happiness. I do wish you success. But I wish myself more. I’ll love you forever and my arms will always be open as a friend, but this time it’s my turn to say, take care, goodbye my dear. 

It's Inevitable.

It's inevitable. Love. It's inevitable, horrible, beautiful, peace, and war. At some point, we find ourselves staring at the ceiling wondering how something so beautiful can so suddenly turn into a tragedy. Why is this? Why do we feed off of something that can be so toxic to our lives? It's simple really. In the moments we are happy, love is the creator not the destroyer. Happiness is the ultimate goal, so I've heard. The one true thing that disappointments me with love, however, is how it has control over itself. You can love someone more than life itself, but if the feeling is not reciprocated, it's more of a harm than anything. It just keeps us wondering and hoping, but its never definite. Love may be infinite, but it is not definite. Love is about change and risk, yet we find ourselves stuck in the same scenario again and again taking the easy way out. I can sit here and write all day about how love is free of jealousy and hate, but that's not true either. With love, there is going to be both jealousy and hate. We eventually get let down by something or someone we love and our emotions run so deep that we resort to jealousy and hate. I will not deny that I am a Hippocrate. I will not deny that I can be a jealous person. I am not afraid to face my fears as well as my faults. It's reality. The first step to being happy is admittance to yourself that you are not perfect and that, in fact, you are a sinner. But never forget that behind every smile, there is a story. These stories are of all sorts and I can guarantee that each and every one revolves around either happy love, funny love, heartbreak, fear of love, acceptance that a love has ended, anger with love, or a let down of love. It's crazy how we let these emotions run our lives in such a deceiving manner, but there is no end to it. All we can do is give it our best shot and use the past as a lesson for the future. Love is fear. Love is loss. Love is happiness. Love is laughter. Love is a lesson. Love is Love. Most importantly, love is forgiveness. 

Thank You, I Love You.

This is for all of the people who have succeeded in keeping me strong throughout my weakest moments in life. I thank God each day for bringing you into my life. We may not always be together, we may not always be able to have the best communication with each other, but I know that at the end of the day, I know if I need you, you will always be there. Each and everyone of you know who you are. I will always be here for you as well. I am not going anywhere. I am beyond blessed for your encouraging words of support, wisdom, laughter, and most importantly: LOVE. No matter what happens, love is what has brought us together as friends, love is what keeps our hearts beating each and every single day, and love is the light when we are in the deepest shadows of darkness. I appreciate you all more than you can even imagine. Everything happens for a reason and I believe God has granted me your prescence because he knew we would need each other one day. I needed you before, I need you now, I'll need you tomorrow, and I'll need you even when you're gone. You will be in my heart because it's my heart that has felt everything positive, beautiful, and inspiring that you have ever given me. So, thank you. I love you. I hope to see you soon. Remember, the lost get found, it just takes some searching. 

PS. remember to stay strong yourself. don't give up. don't settle. believe in yourself. let go. let God. 

Here are song lyrics that keep me strong..

"Don't let your lights go down, don't let your fire burn out, somewhere somebody needs a reason to believe. Why don't you rise up now, don't be afraid to stand up now, that's how the lost get found."

"The devil wants a fellow with a weakness he can wrap his arms around. The champion wants a challenger who just may have the strength to take him down. The river wants a notion to run towards and pour its heart into."

I love you all.
XOXO, Abbey 

Lessons of Relationships.

The more I think about it, people and relationships are fascinating. The way we meet, the way we fall in love for a friendship and for romance, but also how we fall apart and start new chapters in our lives. Maybe there is a reason why the people we love hurt us sometimes and how we hurt the people that we love. I don't believe it is ever intentional. I do believe that there is a reason that we are being put through the struggle. It's all a learning lesson. We are hurt so we can gain strength, and we hurt others unintentionally because there is a need for us to realize that we are wrong. We have to learn to admit that we are wrong and that 99% of the time, we really mess things up and are too proud to think for a second that we are wrong. I dont know a single person that enjoys admitting that they made a mistake. That's why it's called life. We are constantly reminded of how we can be a better person, and a lot of the time, it causes us to lose something to gain a lesson learned. In the process of these lessons, you can always rekindle lost relationships, but this time around you'll have a better knowledge of how to compose yourself because you are stronger than you have ever been. You will be smarter in your actions and wiser in your words. You'll know how to treat people the right way. You'll know how to love without any excuses. You'll be able to breathe and laugh and learn and live. But guess what? Once you think you have it all figured out again, another block in the road will come up and you'll have to start the process all over again. Yeah, it does suck and it will be stressful and you will get hurt. Life will always bring struggle, no one ever said it would be easy. We will hurt others and others will hurt us. We will judge, manipulate, hate, resent, and give up on any hope we ever had. Although we will be beaten by the bad, we will also learn to be happy in our own content way, laugh until we cry, love with no limits, appreciate what we do have, and gain strength every single day. So no, life is not easy, but it's a worth while fight to become an amazing person. Don't try to be perfect, don't beg for forgiveness, don't cry over people who forgot about you, and do not give up on yourself because one day we will be the best version of ourselves and the people who hurt us will look back and realize what a mistake they made. Stay strong everyone.