The Final Letter I'll Never Send.

“Grow Up. You don’t deserve for me to be civil, you’re giving me every reason to resent you.”

Those words cut. Deep and deathly and heartless. I guess you found pleasure in your pain. Jumping into the unknown for someone fresh and free of worries. You don’t know how it is to feel such pain, I guess. How it feels to fight and put your heart on the line for the attention of someone you would lay your life down for. How it feels to be completely and inevitably replaced. How it feels to know you didn’t even fight at all. Maybe that is why you think I’m pathetic? Maybe that is why you don’t care at all? To be honest, you know what you did was wrong, I know that for sure. But what you don't know is how to swallow your pride. I embarrassed myself entirely for you, but you’ll forgive me one day. Deep down you know you’re taking the easy way out. You know…..Wait, no you don’t know.

I can’t focus on YOU anymore. I can’t focus on you because I don’t even know who you are. I know who you were. I can’t let myself sink any further than I’ve already gone. I lost myself in the process of losing you, and that is the greatest disappointment to me. I know you better than you even know yourself, but I can’t care as much as I want to save you from this illusion. Everybody says to let it go.

Everybody says that I deserve better, but I guarantee people are saying the same to you.

At one point we deserved each other, but it’s not in the cards for us at this point in our lives.

We honestly just drifted apart.  The red flag was there long before I wanted to believe it.

Who in the world wants to believe that the love of their life doesn’t love them back? 

My mind went into “fight or flight” method and I had a mindset to do everything I possibly could to make you want me again. In the process of that, I pushed you even farther away. But, it’s ok. It’s not great or wonderful or happy in this moment, but it’s ok, and that is better than saying things are horrible. I can look back at the wonderful memories and I can thank you for saving me in the times when I needed not only a lover but also a best friend. It still hurts my heart, and it probably always will, but I forgive you, and I love you. You know that. I just can’t let you hurt my anymore so I am done fighting. I am done being let down. I am going to live for me. I am going to take your advice and move on. I don’t want to compete with someone else for your love because I know there is someone who will never make me compete at all. I do wish you happiness. I do wish you success. But I wish myself more. I’ll love you forever and my arms will always be open as a friend, but this time it’s my turn to say, take care, goodbye my dear. 

It's Inevitable.

It's inevitable. Love. It's inevitable, horrible, beautiful, peace, and war. At some point, we find ourselves staring at the ceiling wondering how something so beautiful can so suddenly turn into a tragedy. Why is this? Why do we feed off of something that can be so toxic to our lives? It's simple really. In the moments we are happy, love is the creator not the destroyer. Happiness is the ultimate goal, so I've heard. The one true thing that disappointments me with love, however, is how it has control over itself. You can love someone more than life itself, but if the feeling is not reciprocated, it's more of a harm than anything. It just keeps us wondering and hoping, but its never definite. Love may be infinite, but it is not definite. Love is about change and risk, yet we find ourselves stuck in the same scenario again and again taking the easy way out. I can sit here and write all day about how love is free of jealousy and hate, but that's not true either. With love, there is going to be both jealousy and hate. We eventually get let down by something or someone we love and our emotions run so deep that we resort to jealousy and hate. I will not deny that I am a Hippocrate. I will not deny that I can be a jealous person. I am not afraid to face my fears as well as my faults. It's reality. The first step to being happy is admittance to yourself that you are not perfect and that, in fact, you are a sinner. But never forget that behind every smile, there is a story. These stories are of all sorts and I can guarantee that each and every one revolves around either happy love, funny love, heartbreak, fear of love, acceptance that a love has ended, anger with love, or a let down of love. It's crazy how we let these emotions run our lives in such a deceiving manner, but there is no end to it. All we can do is give it our best shot and use the past as a lesson for the future. Love is fear. Love is loss. Love is happiness. Love is laughter. Love is a lesson. Love is Love. Most importantly, love is forgiveness.